The Frog's Predictions For the World Cup 2014

My French husband Maxime has an uncanny ability to predict games and final scores in World Cups. He predicted the Australia-Netherlands 2-3 result, for instance. Deciding he must have magical powers, I asked him if he wouldn’t mind predicting an Oz victory in their next match:

‘OK … 2-1,’ he said. But he looked dubious.

Maxime’s powers desert him where France is concerned, however.

‘Will France win the world cup, do you think?’ I asked him.

‘They might,’ he said. ‘Or they might not.’ Helpful. At least he won’t be wrong! ‘Deschamps is a good coach. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks, he just wants to be the best.’

‘And what about Ribery not playing?’

‘We don’t need prima donnas like that,’ Maxime sniffed. ‘Even without him, we’ll beat the Swiss 4-0.’

I must confess that during some of the match at least he was correct.  France did lead 4-0. Then the Swiss ruined everything by scoring.

Here they come, to ruin French fun!

Maxime looked downcast at this and released a few French expletives such as ‘prostitute!’ and ‘your grandmother in shorts!’, then said, ‘Well, all the Swiss players are from the Balkans anyway.’

Ah yes. I said. ‘And all the French are from France, are they? What about him?’ I pointed at a rather dark-skinned Frenchman.

‘There’s still the French West Indies.’

‘What about him?’ I pointed to another.

‘Oh, a typical Parisian,’ said Maxime cooly.

And a French player with a Polish name entered the fray. I arched my eyebrow at Maxime.

‘A typical Alsatian,’ he replied without missing a beat (there are many people descended from Polish miners in Alsace). Maxime has a tendency to twist and bend logic until it fits what’s best for France. Then he thought for a bit. ‘I think it’s good the Swiss got a goal.’

‘Hey?’

‘It gives our defence some practice. Something to learn from.’ (See what I mean about twisty logic? If he twists it too much more it may snap on him. Would he manage to make a loss for France seem like a win? Actually, he probably would.)

Then there was the controversial last French goal which was not counted. According to Maxime of course, the ref was wrong to blow the whistle in the middle of a passage of play. I know as much about soccer as a dried pea, so I have no idea if he was right, but the commentator seemed to think the ref was right.

‘The commentator is English,’ said Maxime.

Of course, the detested Anglais. How Maxime grinned when he heard they were out of the World Cup!

'Yes, Mummy,' our daughter Chloé joined in. 'The commentator is English. He says the French names wrong. Just like you, Mummy!'

Cheers.

‘Well, France won anyway,’ I said, to get the subject off my French pronunciation. Or lack thereof.

‘Yes! I have to write to André!’ said Maxime.

André is Swiss, and had unwisely commented on LinkedIn that we could all relax in the knowledge that the Swiss would win. Maxime now wrote back that at least the Swiss are world champions in train driving.

‘Train driving?’ I asked.

‘Yes. When Switzerland hosted the World Cup, in the papers, the Swiss said they were ‘Weltmeister im Zugfahren.’

‘I guess you can’t argue with that.’

‘No. Especially given all the strikes of the French rail!’

And probably that’s the safest prediction of all: Swiss trains will arrive on time and French trains will not arrive at all. Oh, and the French will celebrate when the Poms take a pounding.