The Frog and the Footy

One of the first things concerned Australian friends asked my French husband Maxime when we moved here was, 'What footy team are you going to barrack for?'

'Collingwood,' he said.

'Oh my God!' everyone cried (apart from certain tasteless individuals crowing in the background). 'Why?!'

'Well, everyone seems to hate Collingwood, so I thought it would be the way I could annoy the largest number of people,' said Maxime, looking very pleased with himself.

'Well, you've certainly succeeded,' I said. 'Don't expect me to go to any games with you. We're only going to see Essendon.'

'Oh, don't be mean!' said the friends.

'Look, if he'd picked the Bulldogs or something I wouldn't have minded. But Collingwood? I don't think so!' I said.

I've stood my ground and so far: Maxime has been to one Essendon game with me and two Carlton games with other friends. But he revenges himself upon me by following the results each week and making a special point of informing me when Essendon loses and by singing 'Good Old Collingwood Forever' whenever he feels like being irritating. Which is often. What's worse, our seven year-old Elise sings along with him because she says she feels sorry for 'poor Papa' because Mummy hates his team!

'He is not poor Papa, he is bloody annoying Papa,' I tell her, and Maxime laughs. (Yes, I know, I know, I'm a disgraceful parent.)

Maxime mostly behaves at games - claps at the right times and drinks his beer (although he has been known to drink cider instead. When he does that, I just explain to the people around us 'he's a Collingwood supporter'.) But Maxime doesn't touch the suspicious looking pies and has yet to learn how to yell at the umpire. He also complains the matches are too long.

'With all the getting to Melbourne, parking, finding your seats, the whole afternoon's gone,' he says. 'They have too many breaks.'

Maxime would probably think differently about the breaks if he ever had to play a full quarter of football himself, I tell him. And I have played footy myself - for Melbourne Uni women's team. I talk from time to time about playing again. But Maxime is against it.

'You'll get hurt,' he says.

'Yes,' I reply.

In my career, I averaged one broken bone a year. Of those, probably the broken nose was the easiest to cope with. Except when I sneezed (oh my God, that was a special sensation!). But I loved playing footy. Being from a nation of hypochondriacs, Maxime finds this lack of concern for one's health hard to fathom. But Maxime and his very French attitude to healthcare is the subject for another post ...

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